Opening Statement:
Having a disability, trying to date, develop meaningful romantic relationships, often comes with an entire set of difficult challenges and obstacles to climb over. It is not easy to make a specific and complete list of advice for dating with a disability, because there are many differences between individuals with disabilities. Although a disability falls under a wide spectrum, society tends to group all people with disabilities under one category. Unfortunately, many individuals assume that people with disabilities are asexual, unable to have intimate/romantic relationships, and only tend to have relationships with their families and caregivers. Many healthcare professionals early on in a child’s adolescents have prepared disabled youths by telling these children that dating wouldn’t be possible for them as well as getting married in the future. Regarding my past experiences with former healthcare professionals, case workers, and supportive professionals… I remember them preparing me for this disappointing and possible reality.
Overcoming Stereotypes and Other Related Issues
· Much of the difficulty people face when dating with a disability is overcoming the unfortunate stereotypes associated with a disability. Some non-disabled people would never try to date or even become friends with someone who has a disability, and this is very frustrating and minimizing.
· Many people with mobility disabilities also fear dating due to the lack of accessible locations to go on a date.
· FACT…Many people with disabilities tend to start dating much later in life than their non-disabled peers do as well as engaging in intimate relations (sex). Additionally, their rate of marriage is half the national average in the U.S., according to various publications.
· Marriage penalties, which punish people with disabilities in the U.S. who get married by taking away their disability benefits such as Social Security benefits and Medicaid. Unfortunately, these issues only intensifies this problem.
· Many multiply-marginalized disabled people experience additional fetishization and harmful behaviors from their potential dates who are aware of disability challenges and/or impairments.
· Individuals with disabilities are very often a target by predators who seek vulnerable individuals to take advantage of them in various ways such as sexually, physically, and financially.
IRL vs. Online?
· Possibly the most straightforward way for disabled individuals to meet potential partners is in person through various social environments or work friendships. This method, often referred to as “IRL (in real life) dating,” it is the safest way to meet someone either disabled or non-disabled. It is likely still the best way to date if you are disabled because it avoids the many downsides associated with online dating, for instance alienation and the must reveal the disability dilemma. But as the work-from-home, remote lifestyle has become so widespread for safety within the pandemic, more people are utilizing online dating to potentially meet someone (non-disabled and disabled).
· Eight of the largest online dating apps in the U.S. had a 12.6 percent increase in monthly active users during the final quarter of 2020. This was the biggest increase within a two-year period, according to research data trackers. Because online dating is still increasing and has become the “Norm,” there is a very high likelihood that someone will “match” with a person with a disability as people with disabilities make up about 15 percent of the global population.
To Reveal or Not to Reveal?
· The biggest question people with disabilities face on dating apps is when (and how much) to reveal their disability. Some people boldly display the fact that they have a disability in their bios; this strategy comes with the benefit of warding off most of the people for whom a disability would be a dealbreaker. But not all of them, because most people do not read bios, and others tend to rush into dates without thinking about the reality of the disability and then negatively respond on the first meeting, and after the date, ghost the person.
· Revealing a disability too soon tends to make someone feel it plays into that people with disabilities owe the public access to their private lives. This can turn first dates into an interrogation about medical treatments and/or their continued supportive needs, rather than a chance to get to know the individual.
· On top of being invasive, the interrogation also doesn’t allow the person with a disability to evaluate the nondisabled persons true intentions. In some cases, time spent with that person is monopolized and being a one-sided informational date instead of quality time and getting to know the non-disabled person. This can have adverse effects like concealing that a date could be a predator until you have already become emotionally or physically involved, when it is too late.
Closing Statement:
My personal experiences have taught me a great valued learned lesson and that is…mention your disability in as few words as possible, and early on. In my situation with having a hidden disability, most people don’t realize I have various challenges because people can’t visibly see what my disability or disorders are. As the old saying goes… “Less is more” so choose your words carefully, and possibly don’t overshare too early. Depending on the person you are trying to get to know better and date, you will have a better sense on when that time will be and so will they. However, keeping a disability a “secret” until meeting in person or until further along in the relationship can misrepresent your intentions, expectations, and be devastating to them if they develop feelings for you early on. Hiding this information from a date might leave you with someone who may turn out to be “shallow” when they find out about your disability and leave you feeling devastated. Disclosure is ultimately up to you and there is no “right or wrong way to explain it.” Since every disability is not the same, and each person deals with theirs differently, there are reasons why you may choose to either conceal or reveal your disability. Nevertheless, it is important to weigh your decision to conceal or reveal carefully and be prepared for the related outcomes.
The most important thing to remember when dating is to be your authentic self as well as sharing various information about each other should be a balanced effort and not one-sided. You deserve to be loved and valued, and the person who is the best fit for you will like and/or love you for who you are. Never feel or accept that they are compromising to date you, as if they are doing you a big favor. Be aware if they are keeping you a secret by not introducing you to their family, or more importantly their friends. Not introducing you and including you in various functions can be a true sign that they are embarrassed they are dating you or they are hiding something about themselves. You should take the attitude that they should be honored you are dating them, as they made an intelligent decision to date you, and have a true emotional sincere connection with you, unlike no other past relationship. Everyone must remain positive that you will find Mr. Right or Miss Right, as he or she is out there somewhere, you just need to look very hard to find them! So that my readers know, I’m still trying to find my Mr. Right (Prince Charming). In the meantime, I’m no longer surprised by the cast of characters I seem to match with on dating apps. The craziest thing is when I try to match or get the attention of a man who states in their bio they have ADHD, ADD, or they are on the Spectrum, they stop talking with me because I revealed my disability to them. For the life of me, I just can’t understand some people.
Source of Information: Various Google Searches, Printed Publications, and Personal Experiences/Opinions
Until Next Week, Stay Safe and Well!
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